In that instance my whole body relaxed, my shoulders dropped along with the heavy guilt I had been carrying and finally, I began to tell myself another truth, a far powerful truth
But alas, today I did not start my day well. I felt as if my morning routine was disrupted, as I had to wait longer than usual to use the bathroom, which then meant I had to catch the later train, which was of course sardine level busy, so I had to stand the whole way. Also, in my tizzy of trying to leave the house on time, I did not manage to take out my iPod from the bottomless pit that is my bag, so as to listen to my morning bible verses. I have realised that starting my day with God’s word, really focuses my mind on what matters and I have also found it strengthens my spirit every day, putting my mind in a good state. But not today! And finally, of course, I arrived a few minutes late to work which I think we all know is not a great feeling. I felt groggy, annoyed, irritable and instead of having a good balanced breakfast like my nutritionist advised me to have I decided to eat my feelings and tucked into a greasy full English breakfast. To be honest at the time it felt good, really good. But, shortly after, it begun to spiral and have a knock on effect on the rest of my day.
I have always believed that when you know better you should do better
My lunch was affected as I was not hungry enough to eat a meal so instead I opted for a freshly squeezed carrot and ginger juice – which made me feel a little better. But again my nutritionist was in my ear and I knew I was not helping my body in the slightest and surely enough the guilt started seeping into my subconscious mind. I have always believed that when you know better you should do better. A quote, I learnt from the wonderful Maya Angelou. So when I got back to work I tried to reassure myself that at least it was a healthy juice and the guilt faded away. However, just as soon as it faded it was back with a vengeance, reminding me that I had just been to see my nutritionist the day before and we established that if I was going to feel better and my body in balance, I had to consume nourishing foods and combine them correctly. Oh! And eat certain foods at the right time, most importantly cut out the sugars and having three balanced meals a day. Of course I left her office rolling up my sleeves determined to implement these changes and adhere to it till our next meeting. So you can imagine the mental torment I was inflicting on myself the next day when I didn’t carry out a single word of her advice, which I was paying quite a bit of money for.
My actions made no sense whatsoever. Whilst sinking deeper into my guilt, I simultaneously began sinking my teeth in a chocolate bar; I then reached for a handful of caramel bites and two mini chocolate rolls. At this point, I had sugar running giddily through my system and my guilty-conscious was quietened once more. After a short period had passed and the sugar satisfaction was dipping and taking me into an all-time low, I quickly took a break and headed to the female toilets. I stood looking at myself in the mirror for a few seconds and for some reason YOU came to mind. If there is one thing I have learnt from you on this journey, it is to simply BE KIND TO MYSELF. In that instance my whole body relaxed, my shoulders dropped along with the heavy guilt I had been carrying and finally, I began to tell myself another truth, a far powerful truth, that it’s okay, it’s all okay- I can just try again tomorrow. This simple thought of self-kindness surged stronger through my body and instantly washed the sabotaging critter out of my system. Just remembering that the act of kindness is not something we only hand out to strangers, but an act we need, firstly, to bestow upon ourselves. There is nothing more empowering. It all begins with loving thy self!
with love, Meron Kassa
