It was then that I saw a flashback of my life before YOU and the how I was indeed a bomb waiting to explode. I began to realise how this experience freed me in so many ways and how changing my perception of you helped me to see this as a journey like all other aspects of my life
Today I did not wake up feeling great, my tinnitus was back so I knew my stress levels had risen once more. I recently had an appointment with a holistic nutritionist in my last hopes to get rid of you once and for all and although this was just an initial consultation I learnt quite a lot, such as how tinnitus is linked to stress and how it is important for me to live a fully balanced life in all areas of my life. Although I have so much anger and frustration towards you to say the least I can honestly say thank you for one thing and that is for showing me all the cracks in my life that needed mending. You see I grew up bottling everything up in a tight vacuum sealed jar. I thought showing emotion was weakness and I truly believed not showing emotion meant I was strong and had some kind of control over the situation. Oh how wrong I was. What’s worse, I strongly felt indifference was my greatest tool. I had gone through my whole life up until the point I was diagnosed in my early twenties, holding on to toxic behaviours and habits that in the end resulted in creating you. It was only until about a month ago I really thought about you and your purpose in my life.
Again she repeated this and explained that whatever darkness you go through in life there are lessons to be learned and there is a reason for it all “VALUE in the VALLEY”
This began during one of my routine doctor’s appointment to see if you were still lurking in my system, the phlebotomist and I randomly began engaging in a conversation about our love for Ilyana Vanzant an inspirational speaker I saw a few times on the Oprah show. Since my diagnoses in March 2014 I have visited the GP and hospital to have countless routine blood tests (the many perks of knowing you) and it is usually a quick “full name please? DOB?” (nurse) and “please could you use this vein” (me) followed by “you are just going to feel a sharp scratch” (nurse) to which I respond in my mind with “I’ve done this so much I’m not even phased”. But on this occasion I really took a liking to this phlebotomist, I felt like she didn’t just see me as just another patient and I really welcomed her cheery disposition. While we were waiting for the small tube to fill up with blood, she told me about her extensive book collection, then she looked at me with a soft compassionate smile on her face as if already knowing all that I have been through and said…
“there’s value in the valley”
To which I replied in a startled manner “sorry?!”
Again she repeated this and explained that whatever darkness you go through in life there are lessons to be learned and there is a reason for it all “VALUE in the VALLEY”. I briefly looked up at the ceiling quizzically as if to say what are you up to now God? How randomly she should say these words at a time I was literally falling to pieces. It was in this moment that something within me clicked. You see I always saw you as a curse, a darkness over my life that I had to endure for the rest of my life. I associated you with bad news, sickness, hormonal imbalance, pneumonia, asthma, umpteen doctors’ appointments and umpteen emergency visits to A&E and walk-in centres, nearly dying, confusion, broken relationships job loss and a myriad of so many other symptoms and problems that come with the package. But never, never had I thought of you as a lesson or as a blessing in disguise -as something to learn from. So, as I left the GP practice that morning I turned to the phlebotomist and thanked her for her time and patience and told her she helped me more than she knew. Later, as I stood waiting for the bus this thought kept running through my mind.
“value in the valley, value in the valley, value in the valley”
It was then that I saw a flashback of my life before YOU and the how I was indeed a bomb waiting to explode. I began to realise how this experience freed me in so many ways and how changing my perception of you helped me to see this as a journey like all other aspects of my life. Seeing you as a piece in the jigsaw in my life truly centred me for the first time in a long time and for a moment I felt a sense of peace within myself. Because God brings us to something so that he can bring us THROUGH it, stronger, wiser and full of FAITH so that we are then armed with the tools to help others. I know now that you didn’t come to stay, you have come to pass. So I will stand in the eye of the storm with my hands out wide full of faith ready to learn what this journey with you is here to teach me. But for today all I will say to you is THANK YOU.
