Today has been an unusual day. My emotions have been so fragile and I have felt so run down. Granted, it is Friday and yes, it has been a long and trying week, but I don’t know why I feel so low.
For a long time, I felt trapped in another person’s body
For some reason I was thinking about how I used to spend my Friday nights before you, of course. I remember how tiredness wasn’t even an issue because I still had vitality and so many things to look forward to. But now all I visualise on a Friday night is my bed and me collapsed on top of it. I now find myself wilfully hoping that I can muster enough energy at the very least to watch an episode of one of my favourite series before I dissolve into a peaceful slumber. However, I should admit, that before you there were many times I used to overdo it. I would say yes to this friend, that friend, go here, go there and leave nothing for myself. I used to give up so much of my time to everyone around me and not realise how detrimental this was for me. Back then I had a bit more of ‘me’ to share but ever since you, my cup is empty and the scarce resources I have are enough only for myself. This was a fundamental lesson I really needed to learn and I can’t say it happened over night, as it is my nature to put others needs before mine. I have an insatiable desire to help anyone in need, whether a friend, family or stranger. So learning this lesson was by no means easy. But it was necessary. After you, Graves, it was as if I was trying to start a car that had no more fuel left in it. So every time I forgot I had you along for the ride and started the engine to help, do, support – the car was immobilised. It just had nothing to run on.
It has positively impacted my life, because if we don’t look out for our own well-being then who will? We need to arm ourselves with the right tools and the right vocabulary that will save us in the long run
For a long time, I felt trapped in another person’s body. You see before you entered my life, my body was different it was very energetic, lively and full of so much life and vitality.
Growing up my father would tell me a funny story of how much I would run around as a child. On one occasion at around the age of six, I was happily whizzing around the place. He then called for me “Meron!” and I speedily ran to him within seconds of the call “Yes!”. He would say “Go and find Meron!” and I was on the case like a tiny drill sergeant, running around at the speed of light trying to find myself!? Weird I know, but the point was this is how I was my whole life. I loved the outdoors, sports, swimming, pretty much any activity. I was very accident prone and constantly covered in bruises and cuts, which I just saw as battle scars from a warrior adventurer. I didn’t understand what sickness was, or even feeling tired. So you can imagine the confusion, anger and frustration I had when you came into my life. But, I have to say, you have taught me to say that difficult two letter word: NO. It has positively impacted my life, because if we don’t look out for our own wellbeing then who will? We need to arm ourselves with the right tools and the right vocabulary that will save us in the long run. You don’t need an illness to come along before you use this word. It is very important that we are mindful of what we say yes to and what we say no to. These two words significantly impact the trajectory of our lives. So, I have learned to listen to my body more and not feel guilty for it. It is okay to put yourself first!
